Musings of a New Mom

Oh how life has changed. Looking back where I was a year ago from today, I was student teaching, TA-ing, finishing my degree, newly pregnant, and busy as a bee. I am definitely one of those people President Utchdorf was talking about in his most recent General Conference talk-I wore my busy-ness as a badge of honor-being productive, having a to do list, all of it made me feel like I had purpose.

Among all of the adjustments and changes that come with being a mother, the change of what I'm "busy" with has been one of the hardest for me.

My whole life, and especially the last 4.5 years of my life have been all about me. I REALLY wanted to get my degree. I loved my major and wasn't opposed to being a working mom (I'm still not, though I know I probably won't be, at least not a full time job). Going to school was my thing. As weird and cocky as it may sound, I'm a great student (after the first day of school is over that is and I have come down from my freak out of the new schedule). I love being organized. I love love love making to-do lists, and even more then making the list I absolutely LOVE crossing off things I've completed on my to-do list. I like thinking through what needs to get done and figuring out the most efficient way to do them all. (Yes you may all take a second and bless Tyler for dealing with me, he truly does deserve it!)

I know, a bit OCD, but its true, that's who I am.

When we went down to California in August, we went to a BBQ with some of Tyler's old buddies. There were 3 couples there. Tyler and I with our new baby, another couple that was expecting, and the third couple that had no children/weren't expecting. Of course conversation turned to children during the get together, and the girl from the third couple made a comment that had never occurred to me before I had a baby or even while I was pregnant. She said, "I want kids, but not yet, I still have too much selfishness in me." I smiled at her, because I knew I was now in a spot in life where it didn't matter whether or not I had selfishness in me anymore because it was irrelevant-my life wasn't just my own anymore. It was and is Kaiewa's too.

Even though I know that my life isn't my own anymore, I have a constant struggle with finding a balance with what I do for myself (and not feeling guilty about doing whatever that may be) and fulfilling my role as a mother.

And still, Kaiewa is 5 months and I'm not sure where the equilibrium lies. We have our great days and our could be better days.

Like I said, it has been a hard adjustment with the change of busy-ness. Though I know that what I am doing is important, it's not always easy for me to attribute credit/value to it, especially with no to-do list ;). And with Kaiewa being such a great baby (which I am so so grateful for)-sometimes (a lot of time) I feel like I'm not doing much at all. So I try to get out of the house (with one car and living out in the country that's not the easiest thing to do, so we sure go on lots of walks). I maintain the house. I fulfill my calling at church. But honestly, there is a lot of down time, and that's hard for me. We play, read books, and go outside, and I know as he gets older we'll do more and more. I also know that with the more kids we have (please no time soon Heavenly Father!) that things will get progressively busier. But right now, it's truly not.

It was easy for me to feel like I had a purpose when I was a student. To feel accomplished. I could look over my day and be happy with all the things I was able to get done. To know that I had made progress that day. Motherhood (as of now) is not quite as easy. 'Yay, I got the laundry done' (when I know it'll just have to be done again in a few days) is just not as fulfilling. Especially in sight of the fact that when I was so busy I still got the laundry done.

Even as I write this post I'm trying to figure out the purpose. I think it's mainly so that I remember when I'm older what being a new mom is like. Also, in hopes that other moms can read this and relate in some way.

So here's to continuing to figure things out! And to look back one day and laugh (longingly) that I had so much time on my hands.

The Whirlwind

Life since baby boy came has been so hectic, and at times purely chaotic, but also such an adventure. Hence the reason for the lack of blogging.

Kaiewa (kai (like the I sound at the beginning of my name with a k infront)-eh-vuh) was born June 27 and we moved July 2 into our new home down in West Mountain, UT. Had the little bugger come on time it wouldn't have been as big of a deal as it was.  Buuuut the both of us being only 5 days postpartum, it was a bit of a challenge (especially in hind sight).  We luckily had LOTS of family around to help, and everyone kept telling me to sit down and not do anything (I should have listened more) but that was (and still is) such a hard thing for me to do. On the actual moving day my mom had me sit in the baby's new room while everyone else was at the old house doing everything.

We got moved in just fine, and it was great to have the added space with everyone that was here.  Our new place is 3 beds and 2 baths with a nice big living room, dining room, and kitchen.  And man have we utilized it all since we've been here.

In a quick summary of visitors it went like this:
- My mom came two days before Kaiewa was born
- The day after (6/28) he was born Tyler's parents, grandparents, and two siblings came
- Tyler's brother Brady flew in the next day (6/29)
- Brady left Sunday (7/1)
(Moved Monday 7/2)
- Higa's left 7/4
- My mom left 7/7
- 1.5 weeks later Dayna and Kaycee came back 7/18. They left 7/26
- Two days later Meleana came 7/28 and left 8/2
- Five Days later 8/7 We flew down to California and came back 8/15
- Tyler's parents and brother get here tomorrow (8/20) so Riley can start school at the Y this semester

We have been so grateful for all the time we've been able to spend with family this summer and for their support in all the adjustments.

I don't even know where to begin with all of the other things.  So I guess I'll go chronologically.  A few days after my mom left, I called the midwife and figured out I had had mastitis for 4 or 5 days. (Being a new mom, and new to breastfeeding I had no idea what was normal and what wasn't) So they gave me a prescription and said that I should be feeling better in 24 hours. Well, me being me and still not knowing normal thought it was ok that in 24 hours I wasn't feeling much better.  So I ended up calling them back 3 days later with another fever and not feeling better. They told me to go to urgent care because I might have an abyss. Well that doctor was NOT helpful.  He tried to tell me I had no infection at all and that nothing was wrong. Thanks mister. I'm not faking a fever and feeling SUPER sore with all the other fun things of breastfeeding (cracked, bleeding, engorged, etc.)  So I called the midwives back, and after answering questions, on top of the mastitis, Kaiewa and I developed thrush (something I would never wish on anyone), which can be a side effect of the anti-biotics for the mastitis.

Tyler in the midst of this starting working 12 hour days at the cherry farms to make up for my lack of income now.

The mastitis did go away pretty quickly after they realized I had thrush. Unfortunately, its been 6.5 weeks and we still have thrush.  It is one tricky thing to get rid of, and it's been quite the challenge.  We have our good and bad days.

All of this I'm pretty sure came because of my own stupidity of not resting after Kaiewa was born. We had lots of visitors and the move.  My mom tried her best to tell me to lay down, but with 15 people in your living room they day after he was born, it was a little hard for me to do that. I didn't want to seem anti-social, and I didn't think sitting and talking would make much of a difference.  But in the end I should have listened.

To end this complain-y sounding post, I do love motherhood. It sure is an adjustment and has its ups and downs, but holding my baby when he's sleeping, or seeing him smile at me, my heart melts and I truly don't know how I could live without him.

Kaiewa's Birth Story

Once my guess date came and went, we were of course anxious to have this baby come.  The idea that "he could come any day!" was not enticing anymore.  We tried everything. And man do I mean everything.  I ate all those foods they say induce birth-pineapple, Chinese food, balsamic vinegar, and more.  I had been taking Evening Primrose Oil Capsules to help ripen the cervix.  We went on long walks every day, and even jogged  some.  We walked up and down stairs.  We went on bike rides and bumpy car rides.  I went and got acupuncture, chiropractic adjustment, and a massage where she focused on pressure points. And the list goes on and on. Nothing was working.

Needless to say when we made it to our 41 week appointment we were a whole plethora of emotions. The midwives had told us if we made it to that appointment they would then tell us what could be done to get things started. I was worried they were just going to list off all the things that we had already been doing for weeks.  Luckily, they had some other ideas :)

The midwife told us that she could insert a foley catheter between the bottom of my uterus and top of my cervix.  She said that this would dilate me to 4 cm and then fall out.  She also strongly informed us that this most likely would not start birth.  It would definitely dilate me, but after the catheter fell out pressure waves (contractions) may or may not continue.  She said that we should call after it fell out (which could be anywhere from two hours to overnight) and then we would come in and they would stretch and sweep, aka strip my membranes.

So she first checked to see if I was dilated or effaced at all.  I was 60% effaced, but only 1.5 cm dilated....bummer.

So she put the catheter in (all the while telling us over and over again that his head was right there) and explained I would feel cramps/pressure waves since I was dilating, but they would probably stop after it fell out. (Tyler was excited to assist her with the catheter and in his own words, "help fill up the water balloon")

They then did a non-stress test (man am I glad I didn't have to be hooked up to that machine during birth, it was annoying!) and during it I felt several pressure waves.  Nothing too strong, but I knew they were the real thing, but I also thought they would probably stop.

Everything went well with the non-stress test and we left the birthing center and went home at around 12:30pm.  My mom and Tyler suggested I go for a walk or something to help things along.  But I knew that I did not want to do anything, but go in my room and focus on relaxing because I was already feeling like birth was going to start soon. So I did just that.  Now, I did not vocalize this point to my mom and Tyler so neither of them were very attentive or concerned (Case in point, I had to go outside and call Tyler in to be with me because he decided that he wanted to chat up the neighbor about bikes and who knows what else).  After calling him in I listened to a HypnoBabies track, and afterwards we had lunch (I woke up asking if we could have J-Dawgs for lunch, which I never crave and later during birth would regret having eaten). I was still feeling pressure waves on and off during lunch.

After lunch I laid down to take a nap because I was feeling tired.  After my nap Tyler came in and I said that I wanted to start timing the pressure waves because I felt like they were getting stronger, longer, and closer together.  This was around 4:30ish.  After timing them for a half hour, they were consistently 5 minutes apart and 1 minute long.  He decided to call the midwives to let them know.  They told us to continue tracking them and let them know if they got to 3 minutes apart and over a minute long.  They also were asking about the intensity and if I could talk during them, but using my HypnoBabies tools I wasn't sure of the intensity with the talking measurement because I didn't talk through them I just focused on relaxing and would close my eyes.

The other thing we weren't sure about was whether or not I had even reached 4 cm because the catheter was still in. The midwives said that since things were picking up that it might not fall out, and they would just have to take it out when we got to the birthing center.

We decided to stop timing them and let me rest for a little while.  I listened to an hour long HypnoBabies track, and felt some pressure waves during it, but I was so focused that I didn't know how many nor how long they were.

When I was finished listening to the track, we started timing again, and they were now around 3 minutes apart and 1.5 minutes long, and they were definitely stronger. Let me just say here, I really wasn't in pain.  Yes they were uncomfortable, but NOT painful. I thank HypnoBabies for helping me to have that expectation of only feeling discomfort and not pain.  One of the things that I really liked doing during pressure waves was humming and vocalizing with an "Ahhhh". I always knew that I would not be one to be completely silent during pressure waves and that I would use my voice to help me relax, especially since I am a singer.

Tyler had been great at reminding me to drink, and so I got up to go the bathroom and the catheter fell out.  Now to be honest, I was a little worried.  I thought, man if this is what it takes to get to 4 cm, how much more intense can things get to get me to 10 cm??? At this point, I just laid down on the bathroom floor and knew that I wouldn't leave it until we were headed to the birthing center (Tyler graciously offered his pillow to let me put on the bathroom floor, which after all was said and done, he realized that he did not appreciate it and thought it was quite disgusting)

The midwife called to check in on how things were going at about 7:30pm.  Tyler told her the catheter had fallen out and that pressure waves had picked up to the timing they said.  She asked again what the intensity was like, and Tyler said that he thought they were pretty intense, but that's all he could say.  She said they had just finished another birth in their Salt Lake facility and were headed down to Orem, so we could meet up at the birthing center at 8:30.  Tyler said ok and that we would call if anything changed.

Well, only a few minutes later at around 7:40 I told Tyler that I felt like I wanted to push (granted I wasn't sure what wanting to push felt like so the only way I could describe it, especially to Tyler, was that I needed to poop). And with those words he KNEW we needed to get in the car because there was no way we were having this baby at home or in transit. So he called the midwife back, my mom packed up some clothes and things for me, the midwife said that they were still on their way, but there would be another midwife there so just head over and try not to push. HA! Like that was easy?!?

So we left the house at 8, and in the car I had two pressure waves that I pretty much just sang on AH and exhaled strongly to resist the urge to push. Meanwhile my mom was in the backseat also breathing rhythmically hoping that it would help me not have the baby in the car and honestly to keep her own self calm. (After the whole experience was over, Tyler told me how the whole car ride, and especially with the two pressures waves, he was strategizing on how he was going to be able to deliver the baby in the car) We got to the birthing center and they said that the tub was going to take 20 minutes to fill up.  So I bee-lined to the bed and they checked to see how much I had dilated.  Tyler told them not to tell me, but I asked if it was ok if I pushed and they said yes, so I knew I must have been at 10 cm.

I only pushed a little during two pressure waves on the bed because I really wanted to wait to get in the water.  My water broke on the second push, but only Tyler and I noticed.  After that they said the tub was ready.  I got in, and the water was so warm.  I was sweating so much that they got some ice cold towels for me to put on my neck.  Tyler was still coaching me and helping me so much.  And the water amazingly took away all pressure sensations (also known as contractions), and all I could feel was Kaiewa's head coming down.  I was positioned on my hands and knees at first, but later switched positions to where I was only on my knees and was leaning against the tub. I really liked the second position and it helped pushing be easy.  I'm glad I did not have to be on my back with my legs in stirrups and work against gravity.  I pushed probably 3 more times, and he was out!! (During the pushes, I really just focused on breathing, and I loved that the midwives didn't tell me what to do, but just let me focus on doing what felt right for me. There was no counting or telling me to hold my breath aka purple pushing)


The midwife said reach down and pick up your baby, and I put him directly on my chest. It was 8:47pm. Everything happened so quickly that I was a little in shock that I was actually holding my son. But I will never forget the wonderful feelings and emotions of having him there with me.

We waited for the cord to stop pulsing, and then Tyler cut it.  And maybe 5 minutes after Kaiewa came, I pushed a little and the placenta came.

And just like I thought, even though I wouldn't call birth a walk in the park, it was manageable, and as said in John 16:21 "A ^awoman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world." And truly I was only focused on having my son in my arms and nothing else.




Everything turned out exactly the way it was suppose to. Of course I didn't love going 9 days over, but for whatever reason my body and Kaiewa needed that time. The midwives were AWESOME! Tyler and my mom were such great helps.  The tools I learned in HypnoBabies truly worked. And overall, my birthing experience was everything I had envisioned and more!


                                Here is a cute little picture of Kaiewa after we gave him his first bath.

Cloth Diapering

We decided a while ago that we were going to cloth diaper our son versus using disposable diapers. I mean look at that bum, how cute right!? :) Of course that's not the only reason. We like that they will be reusable for our successive children that will come in the future. We like that they are environmentally friendly (with most disposables taking 250-500 years to disintegrate and each baby going through approximately 6000-7600 diapers before being potty trained-you do the math). And while it may seem more expensive at first, it really is cheaper in the long run.

We really like the idea behind the gDiapers brand. They have cute covers that have a little pouch that comes with them that snaps onto the cover and you put the insert in. The pouch is made out of their own gBreathe technology so it provides a waterproof barrier but still allows the skin to breathe. They have cloth inserts which you can wash and reuse (the cover and pouch as washable as well). Or they have flushable inserts that you can shake out and flush (or you can even compost them). My sister is actually giving us her cloth diapers, so we aren't sure if we'll end up buying gDiapers or not. But part of me thinks I'll get a least a couple because they are so darn cute!

There is no need for me to write a lengthy post because there are so many good ones out there. So here are some of the things I read that helped us really decide (plus we have known several families that cloth diaper and have only had great things to say)

- An article going through multiple reasons to cloth diaper and shows the difference in expenses

http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/take-action/cloth-diaper-costis-it-worth-it

- A friend's blog with all her different cloth diapering experiences (she used gDiapers as well)

http://ardentlyone.blogspot.com/search/label/cloth%20diapers

- The gDiapers website with videos, personal experiences, and more

http://www.gdiapers.com/

- And then just google and find lots of other information, brands, and anything else out there!

I'll post about it again when our little boy is actually here and we've had some personal experiences with it, but I'm so excited about it as weird as that sounds to be excited about diapering :)